La Lengua

Dura lex, sed lex

5/30/2005

Cerullos

Cuando cagaba le gustaba dejar el leño en la taza del váter sin tirar de la cadena. Luego se paseaba varias veces durante el día y miraba con orgullo el pedazo de trusco que había soltado él solo, sin ayuda de nadie.

Cuando tenía visita paría los mayores cerullos del mundo. Jugaba a las cartas o veía la tele con sus amigos y en el momento de mayor expectación les enseñaba su obra. Los llevaba al baño y lo señalaba. Los amigos no sabían que decirle. Todos se quedaban callados. Ni un sonido.

Por el pasillo, a veces fuera de casa, o bien al día siguiente en la oficina se atrevían a hablar.

?Joder este Juan. Qué tío. No me imaginaba que era capaz de cagar una cosa semejante. De verdad que no me lo creo. Es un fenómeno.

Y los que escuchaban se quedaban boquiabiertos. En lo más íntimo de sus corazones todos soñaban ser como Juan.


Escrito por José C.

Más cuentos en El taller.

5/29/2005

Bitácoras

5/27/2005

¿Cómo va eso?

Pues así:

Hace un par de días recibí mi último pedido de la Fnac. Contenía lo siguiente:

  • El Aleph, de Jorge Luis Borges. Historia de este libro: me lo he leído varias veces, como cualquier hijo de vecino. Y eso que relatos como El Aleph, El inmortal o El muerto se leen una vez y no se olvidan. Espero releérmelo enterito y comentarlo dentro de poco aquí. ¡El caso es que mi amigo A. M. no había leído nada de Borges! Es increíble, y al mismo tiempo es una oportunidad única de descubrir a alguien el inmortal genio argentino. A. M., he aquí a Borges. Qué gustazo. Se lo compré para su cumpleaños, y me gustó mucho la edición por el enorme tamaño de su letra, y pedí uno para mí.
  • The incredible jazz guitar, de Wes Montgomery. Montgomery es uno de esos guitarristas que esconden una técnica realmente monstruosa bajo la máscara de una técnica aparentemente simple. Tocaba con el pulgar de la mano derecha. Y se convirtió, sobre todo con este disco de 1960, en el tercer vértice del triángulo de la guitarra jazz (los otros dos son, por supuesto, Charlie Christian y Django Reinhardt).
  • Elis & Tom, de Tom Jobim y Elis Regina. Uno de los discos más preciosos que han pasado por mis orejas (ya hablé de Jobim, si os acordáis). En él se puede oír la inmortal Águas de março, la inolvidable O que tinha de ser, la dramática Retrato em branco e preto y la conocida Corcovado (popularizada en inglés con el título Quiet nights of quiet stars). Un disco imprescindible, y una posible futura incorporación a nuestro baúl de canciones bonitas.
Los dos discos los había descargado ya en formato mp3 usando un programa que se vale de las redes p2p. Si no hubiese tenido ese programa, nunca habría escuchado estos dos discos, nunca me habrían gustado y nunca me habría gastado dinero en comprarlos. Lo digo por si alguien (como la SGAE) quiere tomar nota. Claro que si los principales beneficiarios de la SGAE son gente como Sanz, Bisbal y Carlos Jean, dudo mucho que mis compras de discos les vayan a reportar un solo céntimo. Bien.

Espero comentar en Breve La ciudad de la alegría, que llevaba días sin leer y he retomado hace un par de ellos. Me sigue encantando. Tanto, que casi ni había subrayado párrafos para citar aquí. Nada que no tenga arreglo...

- * - * -

Si te apetece seguir leyendo:

5/25/2005

Canciones bonitas, blog

Ya está activa la bitácora Canciones bonitas. De momento he publicado los artículos que ya habéis leído en La Lengua, pero espero seguir con otros en breve. Gracias por vuestras sugerencias.

5/24/2005

¿Canciones bonitas blog?

Como predijo Víctor en los comentarios a ¡He dicho!, estoy pensando en abrir una nueva bitácora para el asunto de las canciones bonitas.

Pero algún(os) idiota(s) ha(n) pillado los mejores nombres y han creado los típicos blogs de una sola entrada. Para las almas incrédulas: ejemplo, ejemplo, ejemplo y ejemplo. Poneos la mano en el corazón y respondedme: ¿hay derecho a esto?

Necesito sugerencias. ¿Qué dirección.blogspot.com podría tener el nuevo blog?

5/22/2005

¡He dicho!

A menudo he declarado aquí mismo que no deseo hablar de política en La Lengua, cosa que últimamente, con tanto imbécil como hay por ahí viviendo de los impuestos de todos, se está tornando imposible.

Por eso he decidido crear una nueva bitácora: ¡He dicho! Se trata, como dice su autor -es decir, yo-, de

escupir mis indocumentadas opiniones sobre cualquier cosa, especialmente sobre política, que es un tema muy morboso.


No espero que le interese a demasiada gente, ni mucho menos que alguien comparta mis opiniones. Pero qué demonios, deseadme suerte.

Actualización, un día después: He publicado el feed del sitio (para que podáis suscribiros con Bloglines o Feedmania o lo que sea). Es este:

http://hedicho.blogspot.com/atom.xml

5/21/2005

Suerte

-Escucha, doctor -se extasió, tendiendo el oído-. Es el chiqui-chiqui. Te saluda.
Max levantó sus ojos hacia el techo y vio un lagarto verde que le miraba con sus ojos saltones.
-Es el mejor augurio -anunció la joven-. ¡Vas a vivir mil años!


Dominique Lapierre, La Ciudad de la Alegría.

Estoy leyendo poquísimo. Y lo peor es que la razón es el tiempo: cada vez tengo menos. Espero que la cosa cambie pronto.

Mientras tanto, a ratos sigo leyendo la novela de Lapierre. Y me encanta. Tendré listo el artículo dentro de poco. Si Dios quiere, claro.

5/19/2005

Orbi

Por medio de Alt 1040 me entero de la existencia del programa Keyhole, propiedad -según creo- de Google. Este programa permite ver la totalidad de la tierra en imágenes tomadas desde un satélite.

Algunas ciudades están fotografiadas con todo lujo de detalles (en Madrid, Nueva York y Tokio, por ejemplo, es posible apreciar personas y automóviles). Otras, como Melilla, no aparecen tan definidas :(

melilla

Haz clic sobre la foto para verla en distintos tamaños

Me he lanzado a una frenética expedición, a lo Indiana Jones, intentando descubrir todos los tesoros que habitan este ancho mundo. He encontrado las pirámides de Giza, por ejemplo:

piramides

También encontré la Plaza de San Pedro, en El Vaticano.

sanpedro

La versión de prueba que me he bajado dura siete días, y se puede comprar una licencia anual por unos treinta dólares (me lo estoy pensando).

Me faltan varias localizaciones por encontrar, como la Gran Muralla china, los radiotelescopios de Nuevo México que aparecen en la película Contact de Robert Zemeckis, la estatua de la Libertad, o la Torre Eiffel.

¿Alguien me echa una mano? Si queréis ver lo que he localizado hasta ahora, haced clic aquí.

5/18/2005

La última venganza

La última cena con personajes de La guerra de las galaxias. Vaya tela...

Vía Boing Boing.

¿Tragicomedia?

ACTO I. ESCENA I.

(Gobierno y Grupo 1 reunidos alrededor de una mesa)

-Gobierno: Dejad de matar y negociamos.
-Grupo 1: De acuerdo. No matamos. Dadnos.
-Gobierno: ¿Qué queréis?
-Grupo 1: Queremos A, B y C.
-Gobierno: Os damos A y B. C es imposible.
-Grupo 1: Mmmmm... De acuerdo. Dadnos A y B y no mataremos más.
-Gobierno: Trato hecho. Vamos a celebrarlo.

(Se oye ruido de celebraciones y canciones en varias lenguas. Sale por la derecha el Grupo 2)

-Grupo 2: ¡Eh! Nosotros llevamos años pidiendo A y B, y no hemos matado a nadie. ¿Por qué al Grupo 1 se lo habéis dado y a nosotros no, si nosotros siempre lo hemos pedido por vías políticas y pacíficas?
-Gobierno: ... (sin saber qué contestar)
-Grupo 2: ¡Más nos valdría haber matado! Habríamos conseguido más cosas. En fin, al menos hemos logrado nuestro objetivo, aunque la medalla se la cuelguen otros.

(Entran)

ACTO I. ESCENA II.

-Grupo 3: ¿Habéis visto? El Grupo 1 y el Grupo 2 han conseguido lo que querían, ¡y nosotros aquí a verlas venir! ¡Es hora de actuar!
-Todos: ¡¡Matemos!! ¡¡Matemos!!
-Grupo 3: Está demostrado: si perseveramos en el asesinato, el secuestro, la extorsión, saldremos victoriosos. Es cuestión de tiempo. Ahora es el momento propicio, ya que están demasiado ocupados peleando entre ellos. ¡Matemos!
-Todos: ¡¡Matemos!!
-Grupo 3: ¡Es hora de reclamar D, E y F! ¡Son nuestros derechos como pueblo, y siempre nos han sido negados! ¡Es hora de que se nos escuche!
-Todos: ¡¡Matemos!! ¡¡Matemos!!

- - - . . . - - -

La verdad es que la situación política española da para una obra de Shakespeare.

Lo único que me tiene preocupado es el tono de la misma. ¿Tragedia o comedia? Mucho me temo que lo primero.

5/17/2005

Así da gusto

Lo dicho: así da gusto recibir regalos.

IMG_0159

El bonito libro de poesías La voz a ti debida, de Pedro Salinas, considerado como el gran poeta del amor de la Generación de 1927. Y en una edición preciosa.

IMG_0164

Bueno, pues nosotros a lo nuestro.

IMG_0165

Gracias a A. M., que ha perpetrado tal regalo.

The piano man

Me encanta cuando suceden cosas de este tipo.

Si no queréis leeros la noticia, esperad una semana o así y lo dirán por la tele.

5/15/2005

Lo sabía

Tenía la leve sospecha, cada vez mayor, de que todo era una farsa. Hoy por fin se ha confirmado: el aterrizaje en la luna se grabó en un estudio.

Vía Microsiervos.

5/11/2005

¡Mentiroso!

5/10/2005

Canciones bonitas (5)

Dindi, de Antonio Carlos Jobim



Sky, so vast is the sky,
with far away clouds just wandering by,
Where do they go?
Oh I don't know, don't know...

Wind that speaks to the leaves,
telling stories that no one believes,
Stories of love
belong to you and to me.

Oh, Dindi,
if I only had words I would say
all the beautiful things that I see
when you're with me, oh my Dindi.

Oh Dindi,
like the song of the wind in the trees,
that's how my heart is singing Dindi,
happy Dindi, when you're with me.

I love you more each day,
yes I do, yes I do;
I'd let you go away
if you take me with you.

Don't you know, Dindi,
I'd be running and searching for you
like a river that can't find the sea,
that would be me without you, my dindi.
Can?t find the sea that would be me
without you Dindi.

Like a river that can't find the sea,
that would be me
without you, my Dindi.

Antonio Carlos Jobim (1927-1994, también conocido como Tom Jobim) es el mejor exponente de la música culta brasileña, esto es, la bossa nova. Es un estilo de música -por si alguien no lo conoce- que mezcla las libres estructuras armónicas del jazz con el cálido color de la samba brasileña (que en brasileiro, por cierto, es masculino: o samba). ¿Qué decir de Jobim? Uno de los cuatro o cinco grandes de la música popular internacional del siglo XX. Habrá quien esté leyendo esto y no le suene el nombre, pero seguro que ha tarareado la melodía de Garota de Ipanema:

Olha,
que coisa mais linda,
mais cheia de graça...

Lo mejor de Jobim, para mí, es Elis & Tom, su colaboración con la dama de la bossa, Elis Regina, tristemente muerta en los ochenta de sobredosis de heroína. En ese disco suena una de las mejores canciones de los últimos cien años: Águas de março.

La versión original de Dindi está escrita lógicamente en el precioso dialecto brasileño del portugués, pero probablemente la versión más conocida fue la popularizada en inglés por Sinatra. Espero que la disfrutéis.

Oh, Dindi,
si sólo encontrara las palabras, te diría
todas las cosas bonitas que veo
cuando estás conmigo, oh, mi Dindi.

Oh, Dindi,
como la canción del viento en los árboles,
así está cantando mi corazón, Dindi,
feliz, Dindi, cuando estás conmigo.

Podéis bajaros esta y otras canciones bonitas utilizando algún programa de intercambio de archivos, como eMule. También podéis asesinar a un ser humano si le hundís un cuchillo en el pecho izquierdo. No os estoy incitando a hacerlo. Escribo esto para que si la SGAE me denuncia, que no sea por incitar a la piratería, sino al homicidio. No se debe molestar a los jueces por cualquier cosa.

5/08/2005

Tenemos heredero /a

Letizia Ortiz en estado de buena esperanza.

Recomiendo seguir el caso en los blogs más agnósticos y republicanos que conozcan. Al menos en el caso del Papa Ratzinger, fueron los que dieron mayor cobertura. Y luego se quejaron de la excesiva cobertura, claro.

Ah, no sé qué es más triste: si ser reaccionario, o contra-reaccionario.

Bah. Yo me entiendo.

Pequemos

Reconocedlo: sin el pecado, la vida carecería de sentido. Hasta Mr. Potato lo sabe. ¿No me creéis? Pues aquí tenéis los siete pecados capitales por Mr. Potato.

Vía Boing Boing.

Nicole se lava

Nicole se lava

Si quieres ver todas las fotos de Nicole, haz clic aquí. Para ver todas mis fotos, aquí.

5/05/2005

Prevaricando

Casi dos años atrás estuvimos hablando de la prevaricación. La más frecuente, la menos dolosa, la que incluso se realiza con santos fines. Es decir, la mentira. Surgía la cuestión siguiente: ¿prevarican los animales? Es decir, es cierto que muchos animales se sirven del camuflaje y el disimulo para comer, o para evitar ser comidos, pero ¿hay algo de consciencia en ello? La pregunta sigue en el aire.

Esta semana -como casi todas- encuentro un interesante artículo en El Paleofreak. Nos habla de una especie de cuco que, por hacer honor a su nombre, prevarica como él sólo sabe hacerlo: imita con el plumaje de sus alas la boca de sus hambrientos compañeros de nido. Ni que decir tiene que el nido ha sido ocupado vilmente por el cuclillo, y que ni sus compañeros de piso ni quien lo alimenta es de su misma especie.

Eso sucede con los cucos, por si alguien no lo sabe. La cuco madre pone los huevos en nido ajeno. El cuclillo nace antes que sus legítimos ocupantes, y los despeña, o bien acapara toda la atención de los padres hasta que estos dejan de alimentar a los otros polluelos y mueren de hambre.

El mundo es muy interesante.

La comunicación por medio de símbolos (v. gr., la comunicación por medio de una lengua) consiste en dar una cosa a cambio de otra. Ejemplo: te doy un sonido (la palabra casa) y tú imaginas el objeto: "una casa". El cuclillo ofrece algo -la continuación de la especie- y da en realidad lo contrario -su destrucción-. Está hecho todo un político, como dirían mis paisanos.

(En el momento de abandonar el nido, el joven cuclillo puede tener un tamaño que doble o triplique el de sus padres adoptivos. Y luego dicen que el tamaño importa.)

5/04/2005

Un poquito de por favor (V): la temida PAU

Ayudar a los pobres estudiantes...

Últimamente vienen bastantes visitas a lalengua.info buscando información acerca de La verdad sobre el caso Savolta, de Mendoza, La familia de Pascual Duarte, de Cela, y cosas por el estilo (estadísticas).

Adivino que son estudiantes de 2º de Bachillerato que buscan como locos resúmenes de los libros que deberían haber leído durante el curso (y que no han leído, claro). Estas dos novelas (y El árbol de la ciencia, de Baroja) han sido las de lectura recomendada por la Universidad de Granada, entre otras, para la PAU.

No me voy a poner a haceros resúmenes de dichos libros, primero porque soy bueno, pero en el buen sentido de la palabra (como dijo Machado); y segundo, porque yo también estoy a final de curso y tengo trabajo pendiente.

Pero sí os voy a dar unos consejitos mecánicos y rudimentarios para que al menos no bajéis tontamente vuestras notas en la prueba de Comentario de texto (si os sirven de algo, podéis comportaros y hacer clic en los enlaces patrocinados por Google que tenéis a la derecha. Qué alegría me daría comprobar que aún existe la gratitud):

  • Nunca comencéis un resumen diciendo: "El texto nos habla...". Al examinador no le interesa el otro texto al leer el resumen.
  • En el resumen, evitad copiar expresiones literales del texto. Se pueden repetir las palabras clave si es necesario, pero nunca expresiones literales. Eso baja nota.
  • (Esta parece de Perogrullo): El resumen ha de ser más corto que el texto original. Reíd, reíd, pero seguro que más de uno se está enterando ahora.
  • Los años no llevan artículo. No se dice "nací en el 2002", sino "nací en 2002" o bien "en el año 2002". Tampoco, lógicamente, en la contracción: no se dice "enero del 2004" sino "enero de 2004".
  • Los años no llevan punto para indicar el millar. Nunca "nací en 1.975", sino "en 1975". Las cantidades, sí. "Me he comido 1.975 manzanas" (que ya es tener hambre, dicho sea de paso).
  • "Fe" no lleva tilde.
  • "Fe" no lleva tilde.
  • HE DICHO QUE "FE" NO LLEVA TILDE.
  • Ojo con los plurales esdrújulos: siempre llevan tilde: "exámenes", "resúmenes", pero eso no hace que el singular también la lleve. Correcto: "examen", "resumen". Incorrecto y molestísimo para la vista: "exámen", "resúmen".
  • Quien escriba "através" junto lo mato. Es "a través". Separado.
  • Nunca en vuestra vida comencéis la conclusión de nada escribiendo: "Por último comentar...". Así hablan los políticos. Y uno no ha tenido un profesor deslomándose todo el año para que terminéis siendo políticos. Además, para eso no hace falta ni ir al instituto.
  • No digáis "En mi opinión yo creo..." o "Desde mi punto de vista mi opinión es...". Son pleonasmos. Y a nadie le gustan los pleonasmos, ¿a que no?
  • Es de crucial importancia saber cuándo usar mayúscula y cuando no.
  • Si seguís teniendo dudas de ortografía, aquí tenéis la Ortografía de la RAE (pdf). Para los acentos, podéis mirar aquí.
  • Una paráfrasis no es un comentario de texto. No intentéis decir lo mismo que el texto con otras palabras y ocupando diez folios. Los examinadores se dan cuenta. Y se ponen de muy mala idea, siendo malos ya por su propia naturaleza.
En fin, si alguien tiene más dudas existenciales, puede plantearlas en los comentarios, o enviármelas al correo: elias.gomezARROBAgmail.com. No dudéis en consultar: si España necesita algo ahora mismo, es un par de millones de universitarios más (ah, ¿?).

Y no os olvidéis de pagar como buenos cristianos. Usted, eh, el agnóstico, usted también. No me venga con que no cree en Dios. Era una frase hecha.

  1. Un poquito de por favor
  2. Un poquito de por favor
  3. Un poquito de por favor
  4. Un poquito de por favor

5/03/2005

Estamos de suerte

¿Y eso por qué? Pues porque mi gran amigo Milan Kundera ha publicado un nuevo libro: El telón.

Me lo ha contado Juan Carlos. ¡Gracias! Estoy loco por que el libro llegue a África.

5/01/2005

Humor: PBF Archive

Humor negro. Ironía. Mala idea. Existencialismo.



PBF Archive.

Traducción:

Nieto: "Querido Dios: deseo que, cuando despierte, los abuelos estén vivos de nuevo... solamente un día más."

Tumba de los abuelos: "¡Hola! ¡Holaaaaaaaaaaaaa! ¿Pero qué demonios está pasando?"
 
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